Having a baby, I find that it is easy to lose myself. I found an article by Pinky on Loosing yourself to motherhood and alhamdulillah, I’m relieved. The article is a proof that what I’m feeling is normal and I’m not alone. Honestly, I thought I was going crazy because I have …lost myself to motherhood.

My daily life now revolves around Sara. When I’m not breastfeeding, or putting her to sleep, I’m feeding her, chasing after her (she’s mobile now, crawling FAST) or catching her when she falls.

I don’t eat healthy foods, I eat leftovers and whatever I can grab with little time I have. I gulp (not sip) my coffee. I have shower in 10 minutes. I procrastinate peeing so many times that I caught UTI (urinary tract infection). I don’t exercise, which was something I used (and love) to do. Cleaning is a speedy, speedy thing, if I manage to do it.

and that, with ONE baby. An active, smart and curious one at that.

Yes, unfortunately I’m not one of those moms who feel amazinggg after they had a baby. I was overwhelmed and I had so many anxiety. I was unhappy a lot. I felt like my ‘freedom’ had just been robbed from me. However, I realize that is a very selfish thought and it is something I have to turn around.

To get mommy mojo back, Pinky highlighted several points:

1. Carving out ‘Me’ time

Carving out ‘me’ time can be a tricky one. I feel like I had to steal time just to have my morning shower or it will be pushed back to noon! I guess I need to talk to my husband so that he can take Sara for a few hours while I do my thing. Alone, uninterrupted. Although… I have no idea when that would be possible.

2. Schedule one activity a week

Hmm, gym perhaps? Or a run around the block. I can try.  Ideally, I want something more challenging such as rock climbing or Skytrex challenge. But hey, baby steps yo.

3. Meet up with a friend who also has kids

Being a young mom has it’s downside. Most of my friends are still UNMARRIED. Yes, I’m THAT young. I feel so lonely because I don’t know many other moms and I can’t vent out my mommy problem to my single friends, they wouldn’t understand. I know, because I’ve been single, and I was  oblivious of babies, and this whole mommy world.

However, I have a few mommy friend and this certainly can be done.

4. Start a gratitude list

Sara is amazing. MashaAllah.  Motherhood can be very exhausting but also highly rewarding. I’m always happy to see her smile, to see her reach her milestone development. Whenever she gives me a kiss, a hug or call me ‘mama’, she makes my heart feel warm. In a lot of ways, she has changed me. She made me a less selfish person (I was a very very, self centered person, I admit), she made me more warm (I used to hate kids).

Oh, also, babywearing also helps me to feel happy. It allows me to carry Sara and have my hands free. Love love love. It’s my favourite part of motherhood. And I loveeee cute prints on cloth diapers.

Alhamdulillah, I got pregnant really fast after we decided to try for a baby. Maybe Allah knew if I didn’t get pregnant then, I might have changed my mind and delayed having a baby. Allah knows best.

Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah for Sara.

Husband – I have a wonderful responsible, supportive husband who is not afraid to help change Sara’s diaper. (and we are CD-ing!) He’s not afraid to wash the dishes, help clean the room, wash the toilet, organize the room. He might not be romantic (because he’s more of a logical person) but he is sensitive to my feelings. Sometimes he feels like a best friend to me. We love travelling and having our little adventures together. Whether it’s a city adventure in busy city of Bangkok or Camping in Great Ocean Road, Melbourne. Love love love.

Family – I have a great family, who always supports me. Especially my mom, although we bicker sometimes (because I’m such a hardheaded) but I know she means nothing but good intention to me.  Alhamdulillah.

4. Ditch the stereotypes of a ‘good mother

I think the only person who set the stereotype is the mother herself. It’s easy to feel like a bad mother when someone points out something at what you’re doing. You are the only one who knows your child. And there’s no such thing as a super mom. All moms are a super mom when they raise a healthy child.

All in all, I’m okay. I just need to chill, breathe and keep being positive. No matter how many times I wake up at night, how thick my eye bags are, or how much I’m breaking out (due to bad sleep and unhealthy diet) I. need. to. stay. positive.

And keep praying things will get easier.

I had so much to write about. However, during Ramadhan my schedule was so packed and breastfeeding during fasting had made me so exhausted, I had to take naps everyday. Then, after Eid, she fell sick and you know how tiring it is to take care of a sick baby.

Alhamdulillah, she’s all well now. Except for some remnant of coughs.

Being a mother is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Sometimes I feel like I’ve hit a rock bottom. I don’t know where to go, what to do. All I have to do now is take care of Sara. Make sure she’s fed, make sure she’s changed, get her naps, get a good playtime, and oh the list goes on.

With the little time I have left, I have to cook for her, wash the dirty diapers and clothes, do work. And if I’m lucky, I get to have extra time to clean up the room. Otherwise, cleaning up has to wait till weekend.

This is on good days. On less than good days, I’ll be running up and down the house with Sara on my arms, figuring out whether she wants to sleep, nenen, eat or changed. Sometimes I can’t even figure it out.

Then, I look at Sara. MashaAllah, she’s already 9 months and 1 week. Yet, the state of my emotions still feel like 8.5months ago when I was in confinement. Fuzzy, emotional, unstable, overwhelmed, full of fear. After I’ve given birth, I don’t feel quite the same anymore. Sure, I have a child now so that’s totally the reason why. but no, I just don’t feel like myself. I don’t know who I am. and that… is one of the worst feeling. If I could travel back 2 years ago, I would be asking myself, who have I become now?

I feel like I’ve lost function to this world.

Except to take care of Sara.

Is that it? Am I just nothing to this world? Am I doing anything to change, or even play a role in this fast paced world?

There are so many tough challenges being a young mother. While all my girl friends are out having fun, wearing nice clothes, yet I’m home with a baby. Or, when I’m out, I’m wearing my little collection of nursing-friendly clothes with my nursing BRAS. (Nursing bras are horrible looking yet expensive). Here I am, with a baby in my arms, wearing just a tiny bit of eyeliner, clumsily done because getting ready in an hour with a baby is just a miracle. I need two hours if my husband is not around.

I’ve poured my heart out to my husband. He’s doing a lovely job to encourage me to get back on my feet, do something to change. Yet, I keep going back to this same feeling, like a viscous cycle that’s eating me alive, slowly.

Then, I read a blog entry about finding happiness by a dear friend of mine, Zayana Yusof on being happy.

MashaAllah.

It was just what I needed. She just summed it up. I need to stop feeling self pity (because I have a kid, what?!) and get up on my feet. I need to take a break. Get myself busy for work, send Sara to a babysitter and just take a break. When I say, take a break, I mean, get out of routine.

Like how my husband advised, I may not know what I want to do, but atleast I should do whatever that I CAN do. and, just do what I NEED to do.

and I need to get myself back.

and oh, Happy 24th Birthday, Aisyah.

Recently I made, what I believe, is a responsible choice to try out cloth diapering. I’ve been wanting to cloth diaper even while I was still pregnant, but the thought of doing laundry, and, all this information are.. overwhelming. Flats? prefolds? Pockets, AIO, AI2. (WHAT?) Then, there are inserts, hemp, microfiber, bamboo, stay dri, natural, organic.. ARGH!!!

The first switch I made was switching to cloth nursing pads. Previously I was using disposables nursing pads and they are so expensive! It’s about RM30/week. So, my husband suggested the washable ones and I cringed everytime he suggested it, thinking about the extra laundry + overwhelming new baby. Then, I found a good deal, 8 pairs for RM32, I didn’t think twice and grabbed them. It turned out to be extremely comfortable (no wonder I was so cranky before, my breasts were uncomfortable! haha) and the laundry wasn’t that much at all!

Now, fast foward. When Sara was barely 5 months, I got brave and bought some pocket CDs (that’s cloth diapers) from Teddy Genius. Since they were on clearence, no harm.

My logic: I can do washable nursing pads. That means I can do CD, too.

I initially got three. And now I’ve increased my stash to, to, well, a few of various brands. Now, I’ve been CD-ing (let’s keep up with the lingo, folks!) for a month and I have to say that it’s a wonderful experience, I enjoy it and I’m definitely ready to CD full time.

There are four reasons why I PERSONALLY  love cloth diapering; cost efficient, environment, comfort and health.

1. ENVIRONMENT

I am, by no means a hardcore green person. I do try when I can, to recycle. (I don’t know if Malaysia has pickup services for recyclables). However, the amount of disposables we’re throwing away is crazy! During Sara’s first 3 months of life, we have thrown away about 1000 disposable diapers into the landfill. That is an awful lot of diapers, it’s INSANE! Now, imagine that average babies are on diapers for 2.5 to 3 years. That’s almost 8,000 diapers for just ONE baby!

To give you the visual, it’s probably equivalent to a full rack at the store.

According to Real Diaper Association, it takes approximately 250-300 years for a diaper to decompose! Whoaaaa

When you think about the mountains of landfill, it’s kinda irresponsible of us humans to do that to our own environment for the sake of “convenience” of taking care of our offsprings. Don’t you think? There are people who genuinely believe human shouldn’t procreate for environment’s sake.

Sure, disposables come in handy during overseas trip and such, but on day-to-day basis, it makes sense to use cloth. Here’s some light on our landfill situation. Now that my perspective has changed, I will consider switching to cloth pads too, once I get my period back. 

Last Sunday, I attended Skytrex with Bloggers event organized by Salam Media. Skytrex is a forest challenge where you have to complete a series of challenges high above the ground. So, since all participants are adults, Salam Media opted for the most challenging one, consisting of 34 challenges and up to 22mtrs high.

We arrived at Taman Bukit Cerakah at 1.45pm. It was a beautiful sunny day, clear sky, Alhamdulillah. After waiting for everyone, we took a bus to get to the skytrex. There is a shuttle bus exclusively for skytrex. Azlan, the person in charge for Skytrex brought us there. After going to the loo, signed the release form, and get everything else sorted out, we went ahead to get our harnesses on.

There were several staffs there to help everyone get  into their harnesses. I really appreciate that they paid careful attention and ensuring that everybody’s harnesses are worn correctly and secure. Next, it was the safety briefing. We weren’t allowed to do anything else except paying attention, as when you are 22mtrs high, safety is indeed, number one priority.

Mini course to practice before the real deal.