I’ve promised to write this entry long time ago but I never got to it. Since… Uh, never mind.

One of the many concerns of a first time mom is going through labor. I don’t know about you, but for me, thinking about it made me sick to the stomach. I heard so many horrifying stories on labor and not many actually talked about it positively. Well, you can read my wonderful labour story. Hehe

For me, the scariest thing about labour is not having control. So, I decided to do something about it. I wanted to  take some control wherever I can.

#1: Get Educated
This is my number 1 most important tip. It doesn’t matter how, attend antenatal class, read a book, whatever. Bottom line is, educate yourself with labour procedures, labour stages, complications, interferences, pain relieves, anaesthesia etc.  Knowledge is power.

Oh, I’ve been such a lousy blogger for abandoning my blog, yet again. Being a fully working (and breastfeeding) mum has left me even less time for ‘me’ time when I’m not at work.

Yes, sadly, my me time is at work. LOL. Anyway, a quick update on weaning my 1-year-old, it was a total failure. Couldn’t get her off the breasts even with help of lemon and garlic. Hahaha. So my husband managed to persuade me to keep going until she’s 18 months before trying again. Somehow breastfeeding her was made easier once I’m embracing it. At least temporarily. For now.

My husband came up with this brilliant idea to create an email account for Sara. We will give her the password to her account when she turns 18. It feels like a time machine! and my husband has always wanted to build one.

We will send her love letters, pictures, tips and anything we could think of so that she will know what happened when she was still a baby. I have no idea how often we will do it, but it I hope she will read each and every single one of them. I hope we won’t go spammy! We can be kinda obsessed to her. LOL

Well, here’s my first letter to her.

Dear Sara, 

Ever since I got pregnant, I haven’t been quite myself. I thought it would be over when I give birth, but no. If anything, I’m drifting even further than myself.

Sara is now almost 11months this end of month. She started walking today. I mean, really walking. From a corner to a corner, from room to room. Although she falls sometimes (her tiny legs get tired fast), but I can say she’s officially walking now.

I’m so proud of her.

And I also realize that it has been 19 months since I started feeling off. I realize that I haven’t been embracing motherhood.

All these drama of me loosing myself is because I haven’t been embracing motherhood. Right from the beginning, when I got pregnant.

Pregnancy was an emotional roller coaster. Often I found myself blaming my unborn child, blaming my pregnancy. I was unable to connect with her. However, as soon as she was born, it was a love at first sight. I wanted to devote my life for her. To care for her, nurture her, give her the best I can, give her the best chance.

Now, being a mom, I also found myself still unable to embrace motherhood. Always comparing myself to my commitment-free friends, I feel old and dated. I found myself living in a fantasy. Everytime I sit still breastfeeding Sara, my mind wanders off to my fantasy land where I live in my perfect world, looking forward to find that happiness and joy that I so much seek. Sometimes it includes Sara, sometimes not.

Being able to provide Sara with the best, being able to afford things that I want. Travel the world. Dress like a model everyday and blog about it. Being able to sketch while sipping my coffee in an old city. It was MY perfect idea of happiness.

In reality, I can’t always afford to give Sara the best, I can’t always afford clothes, handbags, shoes, my dream babywearing gears and cutest cloth diaper prints. Travelling with a baby is a whole new adventure of its own. Sipping coffee is out of the window. I had to gulp my coffee and get it over with.

The thing is, for the past 19months, I have been missing the point. Nothing is ever going to change if I don’t accept one thing. Happiness is right here. It is what is surrounding me. It is what I have. It is Sara NOW. Not when-Sara-stops-breastfeeding. Not when Sara is finally sleeping through the night. Currently she’s wakes up every 2hours (at most!) during the night. KILL ME. See, I’m being negative again.

Happiness is the little things. When Sara gives me her sweet precious hugs and kisses. When she glances over me for approval. When she smiles after a satisfying feed.

*tears*

Today, Sara started walking. I was too busy being desperate for fantasy to turn into my real life that I missed out on that moment. I have missed out many moments. Moments that are just too short, too precious to even grab for a camera.

I have to embrace motherhood. Accept that I am now a mom, and despite the ups and downs in life, I will always. be. a. mom to my child. It’s a process. and any progress is a good progress.

Because one day, who knows.

Sara is not going to be a baby for long. She’ll be 11 months soon and she’s now walking. Where did that 11 months go?? Next thing I know she doesn’t want to be carried anymore. She’ll want to walk on her own. Her hugs and kisses will be hard to come by. She’ll want her own room. Her own space. At that time, I bet a million bucks that I will cherish this moment. It is just too short.

Sara, about a week young.

p.s, not entirely unrelated: currently obsessed and dreaming about woven wraps. Especially Kokadi and Lenny Lamb wraps. So pwetty. Babywearing keeps me sane. oh…