The Internet’s been so bonkers. One minute it’s fine, (and really fast) but the next, it’s gone. It’s like when someone gives you your favourite candy and in the midst of enjoying the rich cherry flavour, that person snatches it back before you even get to the bubble gum in the center.

As some of you might already aware of, I like to create things. Though I know I’m not as great as many other hobbyists, I know I’m good to a certain extend. I know that I have taste, but I have yet to express it. I won’t call myself a fashion designer even though I design my own patterns now because I’m not even sure if I’m making clothes or fashion. Fashion are not clothes and vice versa. Fashion is more than just clothes. There’s something about it that makes people very nervous about. Clothes are just something that people wear. There are cute clothes and ugly clothes. And there’s fashion.

Anyway, the thing is, I get demotivated really easily, especially when that criticism comes from people whom I care about, like my mum. I think she doesn’t really know the art of criticism that what she says can be harsh and insulting. Lets say when I try to pitch her my ideas about my projects, she goes to saying something rather negative directly, often short without any explanation. Sure, it does make me take a step back and rethink but mostly, it stirs the impression that maybe I’m just not good enough. I’m already hearing criticism or comments from other people and all I want to hear is a bit of confident boost so that I’ll make something better in that direction.Despite all that, in the end, I still manage to find strength to work my way through it, and kick ass.

Telling my mum about my next garment making project isn’t going to do me any good as she doesn’t see my point of view. I regret the fact that I consulted her and well, it influenced my direction and I was mislead. In the end, I hated the result, thinking I should’ve made it what I wanted it to be in the first place. Sometimes I know what she says is true but I was in denial. I learn things on my own, a self-taught and along the way, sometimes I make mistakes and stumble. But that’s okay, I should allow myself to make mistakes.

So, in short, the lesson learned is:

a) When in doubt, keep it simple.

b) When something doesn’t feel right, it doesnt. Follow your guts. Learn to trust your instincts.

c) Plan ahead, and go for it.

And I think, these three lessons are applicable for many cases.

The reason why I’m writing this is because I made a few clothes over the weeks and I have one that’s unfinished because I really hate it and do not even wish to continue working on it cause I feel like it’s not worth it, (there goes 30 bucks of fabric). One, which I’m not too sure of, I think it looks too androgynous but the fit is great. Another one that I can’t decide whether to hate it or love it because I screwed up the fit and it went off a lil’ bit and I’m just a goddamn perfectionist.

On the bright side, I’ve lost a few kilos (and a bit of boobies) so I enjoy looking at my stripped bod in front of the mirror right now, (except after I had lunch) imagining myself having those hate-it-or-love-it stick figure bods we see on the runway. I know I sound vain, but deep down, aren’t we all?  We just hate to admit it.

p.s, I want to fly to US , buy a whole lot of Aldo shoes and live with them.

Eddie and I were strolling in Ikea, finding some new furniture for my new room. It was sooo tiring. Ikea is big, and I didn’t have any idea what I was looking for. All I had were a function list and a the measurements of my rooms. On top of that, I was also on a tight budget. So, we had to find everything, analyze, calculate each and everything, see the pros and cons, the sustainability, accessibility, usability, everything, and buy only what I need. Yes, that’s a very hard thing to do for me. Eddie was smart tho. He’s very critical and helped me find just the thing for my room. 🙂

Anyway, It was about within the last 30 minutes before we bought everything when I was standing still thinking about my options. We were already drained by then. Eddie at that time was more or less 4 feet away from me. Suddenly, I heard Eddie yelled, “JANGAN LANGGAR KAKAK TU!”

I turned, and to my surprise, I saw a boy, who was just about  7 years old pushing the trolley slowly and looking at Eddie, terrified. After the boy walked past me, I asked him,

Me: Eddie, what happened?
Eddie: Ohh, that kid was going quite fast with the trolley. So I told him to slow down.
Me: Oh? I didn’t see..
Eddie: Yes… but he slowed down when he got near you.
Me: oh okay.

I kept quiet. Trying to digest. A min later, I talked to him.

Me: Eddie, did you know you just yelled at the poor kid?
Eddie: What? No? I thought I was speaking softly.
Me: umm no, it was like a loud, strong, authoritative command. Well, loud enough for me to hear at least.
Eddie: Oh really? I didn’t realize!
Me: Hun, he was just a kid.
Eddie: I know! But I was scared he might hit you. He was going dangerously fast and you were in his path.
Me: OMG you yelled at kid because of that?!
Eddie: Yeaaaah…

HAHAHA I burst into laughter. We both did. We laughed about how protective Eddie was being even though he was worn out and that was just a kid! I know Eddie could be protective. But, I never thought he’d be protective to that extend! Poor random kid, he got scolded because someone’s boyfriend is too protective. Garang betul abang ni. hahaha

Such a sweetheart.

p.s, so so super tired. gonna watch Gossip Girl’s latest episode and sleep! taaaa

#1 I asked him to fetch me all the way to KLIA. He was in Subang Jaya at that time and had to send me home all the way to Shah Alam, and go back to his house in KL. To make it worse, we weren’t even in a relationship at that time.

#2 I scolded him for taking the wrong turn while it wasn’t actually wrong, it was just an alternative route. He obviously did not deserve the scolding at all. I overreacted.

#3 On the same day I scolded him, I stepped on his glasses and broke em. Don’t ask me how, but that’s what happened. Now, he had to allocate an extra cost for something he did not account for.

#4 I let him pay and didn’t even offer to pay for movies and food while I know I broke his glasses.

#5 I made him drive to Kelana Jaya with me to get something to eat while we could’ve driven there with our own cars so that both of us could drive straight back home without coming back to Subang to get his car. In short, I made it difficult for him. Plus he was tired and his vision gets worse  at night (refer  to #4).

#6 I text him a lot, and once I got so excited and spammed him the same message for 7 times. I feel guilty each time I text him when I know his working but I do it, still.

#7 The fact that he has to put up with my incredibly annoying behavior and to handle my occasional hyperactive moments.

#8 And the fact that he has to deal with my slight bitchiness and erratic responses during my emo moments. When I’m stressed with assignments that is. or when I’m lack of sleep.

So, what I mean to say, is that I’m taking too much of his time, and I make it difficult and inconvenient for him. Heck, I don’t even have to do anything -I’m just naturally, incredibly annoying.

Anyway, here is one weird thing. Really weird thing. At the end of the day, despite all that, he still says that he loves me. and that, I find it really amazing.

Sorry for being such a jerk sometimes, hun. I really am. I love you.

p.s, Omg this list concludes that I’m such a bad girlfriend. Now that you’ve read this list, would you date someone like me? haha
p.p.s, the list doesn’t end here. There are a few more.

Written by Eddie on 11th of March 2010 on my sketchbook 🙂