I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for almost a year, I know how it felt. Now I’m working full time and I know how it feels.

First, let me tell you how it felt like to be a SAHM. When I was a SAHM, I managed to do a little bit of freelancing for side income. Taking web design commissions and selling scarves and nursing covers. However, it was way more challenging than it seemed.

It required a lot of self motivation and discipline, more than ever. It is easy to slip into break time or a TV time after you are so tired of doing never ending housechores (that nobody notices) and taking care of your baby.

I’ve promised to write this entry long time ago but I never got to it. Since… Uh, never mind.

One of the many concerns of a first time mom is going through labor. I don’t know about you, but for me, thinking about it made me sick to the stomach. I heard so many horrifying stories on labor and not many actually talked about it positively. Well, you can read my wonderful labour story. Hehe

For me, the scariest thing about labour is not having control. So, I decided to do something about it. I wanted to  take some control wherever I can.

#1: Get Educated
This is my number 1 most important tip. It doesn’t matter how, attend antenatal class, read a book, whatever. Bottom line is, educate yourself with labour procedures, labour stages, complications, interferences, pain relieves, anaesthesia etc.  Knowledge is power.

Oh, I’ve been such a lousy blogger for abandoning my blog, yet again. Being a fully working (and breastfeeding) mum has left me even less time for ‘me’ time when I’m not at work.

Yes, sadly, my me time is at work. LOL. Anyway, a quick update on weaning my 1-year-old, it was a total failure. Couldn’t get her off the breasts even with help of lemon and garlic. Hahaha. So my husband managed to persuade me to keep going until she’s 18 months before trying again. Somehow breastfeeding her was made easier once I’m embracing it. At least temporarily. For now.

I’ve been breastfeeding Sara for a year and a month now and it’s been a roller coaster journey. Don’t get me wrong, I love breastfeeding, it’s an amazing way to bond with my daughter. Plus, despite how it may look like, breastfeeding is actually a very convenient tool to feed and comfort baby especially while out and about. No bottles to carry or sterilize. Just pop your shirt up. LOL.

However, I can see that this journey is going to end soon. This past few days I’ve seriously considered to wean her off completely. I feel like it has become a burden for me and I feel like I need my ‘body’ back. I’ve resented breastfeeding her so many times which I feel guilty about and I know that is not healthy. On contrary, I still feed reluctant because I know for a fact that breastmilk is the best nutrition, especially her main source of digestible DHA.

Still, I can’t afford to have moments where I’m resenting breastfeeding.

Let me tell you. Sara is a reverse cycle baby. Which means, while I’m away at work, she will drink very very little milk, just enough to stop feeling hungry and then she would wait for me. It gets worse in the evening where she’ll refuse milk because she knows I’ll be home soon. At the moment, she’s already drinking formula and infant’s goats milk while I’m at work, only because she started rejecting EBM.

Now, what happens is, she will nurse nurse nurse at night (and sometimes all night long) and it seriously tires me. Since I’ve stopped pumping during the day my supply has been established for night feeding only. So, weekend becomes very challenging as my supply is not enough. Yet, Sara being persistent and even determined, she’ll still refuse bottle (or drink very little) and rather nurse for a damn long time until she’s full.

I’ve had enough and I’m determined to wean her off.

I know that with Sara, the only way is to go cold turkey. I went to the pharmacy and asked for Dostinex. It’s a lactation suppressant drug. Unfortunately it takes 2 days for the milk to dry up and I can’t breastfeed while on the medicine.

BUMMER.

How the hell am I supposed to not breastfeed her when I know she’s gonna scream her lungs out asking for it?

At that time, I didn’t care. Figure out the details later. I was so desperate to get my freedom back so I bought them. RM56 for two,(read:  TWO) tiny tablets. It better work.

So, I went home that day, I nursed her as usual, and once I know she’s full, I tried rocking her to sleep without nursing. She cried. On and off. For 30minutes. The last 10 minutes she was so tired of crying she turned to look at me. She looked at me in the eyes with an expression I had never seen before. It was an empty stare. I looked back at her and wondered, have I betrayed the trust we’ve built for her whole lifetime?

I couldn’t.

I burst into tears as I told her how much I love her, how sorry I am for being selfish.

We then sang her favourite bedtime song, and I nursed her to sleep. She dozed off in a couple of minutes.

Perhaps I can still try to wean her off some other time. I’ve heard of the lemon and neem oil trick. I still can’t find neem oil yet, so I’ll try the lemon trick this weekend. Ideally, I just want to wean off her daytime feeds until she’s two years old.

But looking at the situation, I know that with her, it’s either all or  nothing. I still haven’t decided whether to wean her off completely. I guess I’ll just casually try and see how it works out.

I’m sorry Sara, this is not the end. It is only the start of our special relationship, okay?